Mosquito Magnet

Certain things set people apart from each other. Certain traits or abilities are distinctive and unique to a person and often that person can use such innate skills to be successful in life. And then there is my unique trait and ability, which is that I am a mosquito magnet.

Now don't get me wrong, in certain situations I could be a sought after commodity. Say for example you are having some sort of garden party and you want to make sure your guests are not bothered by the flying leaches. Just send for me. Within moments no one else will be bothered in any way by mosquitoes, although it will probably spoil the mood to have me over there slapping and cursing.

What amazes me is that some people don't seem to attract mosquitoes. One of my friends is this way. She is constantly inviting me to go outside. "Let's go outside and look at the garden"; "Let's go outside for a walk"; "Let's go outside and just stand around" - and she does not get why I always say no. It's because if I go outside she will be happily just standing there looking at the garden or walking or just standing around and I will be flopping my arms and legs around like some manic marionette vainly trying to forestall the inevitable bite. They always get me.

It doesn't take going outside for me to get bitten. I can be indoors and end up with a dozen bites. If in a controlled scientific experiment they were to release one mosquito in a building the size of a city block and put me in the room, that mosquito would find and bite me - guaranteed.

Let's not get me started about mosquito sprays. First of all, I am mortally terrified that they contain some substance that will ultimately mutate me into some horrible creature. Maybe not at normal dosages, but to combat the irresistible allure of me, I have to practically bathe in it. I usually resort to wearing long sleeves and long pants and liberally dousing the clothes with the spray. That way the contact with my skin is muted, hopefully, although wearing long sleeves and long pants in 100 degree temperature and 90 percent humidity is just another awful way to die.

I have tried the mosquito clothing made for such places as Alaska or other mosquito rich environments. The clothes are made of a fine mesh and in theory they should work, however in practical application they work no better than long sleeves and long pants. Anywhere the mosquito clothes touch your skin is a vector point for a bite. Mosquitoes don't care if it is fine mesh. Their little damned proboscises aren't thwarted at all. They don't have to get inside the clothes with you, thank you very much, they can just poke their snouts through.

What it would take to make truly mosquito proof clothing would be some way to make the clothing so it would never touch your skin. Something sort of like the way they make a clown suit or a hoop skirt where there is a stiff circular piece that would keep the fabric constantly off of the body. I have drawn up elaborate plans and have even purchased yards of netting material. Unfortunately, I am more of an idea person and much less of a seamstress. My ultimate use of the netting material was to layer it around my head, shoulders and legs, turning me into some sort of amorphous blob shape. It was surprisingly colorful because I had purchased several remnant pieces of various colors. I tried to wear it only when I thought the neighbors were not looking because I did not want to be held liable if they saw me and suffered some sort of physical damage from laughing too hard.

So, my current solutions are either 1. Coat myself in potentially mutating substances; 2. Wear clothing completely unsuitable for the environment; 3. Suffer humiliation. I am not pleased with my choices.

Now through the years I have had people tell me things like how they used to be bitten all the time until they started eating garlic and now they suffer no bites. I have eaten tons of garlic and that just seems to make the mosquitoes more happy. After all, who could blame them. Their favorite meal just added a tasty condiment. I have had people tell me that mosquitoes are attracted to the smell of sweat. They dare to look me right in the eye when they say this too. I kindly inform them that my hygiene is 1. up to par, 2. not open for public discussion and 3. not the cause, because I have been bitten in the bathroom many times just after having had a shower.

I have researched a product that uses a machine to lure and trap mosquitoes. In researching this device I discovered that the mosquitoes in my area were very attracted to a certain type of lure. The lure duplicates the scent of what the mosquitoes are most attracted to. It turns out it is cow exhale. So in other words this company is implying I exude something akin to cow breath. I am not pleased with this tidbit of knowledge.