And then there was one...

It is out there right now.  The last tomato, along with the last cucumber and the last bean.  At first there were countless numbers, swarming in the garden, demanding to be picked.  They teemed in vast numbers like the passenger pigeon.  At first their numbers blotted out the sky, but then there was just one left.  One alone, sitting in a zoo.  The last one.

Thank goodness my crops just sat in my yard.  I hate to think how much harder it would have been to shoot the vegetables out of the sky.

I never quite expect it when it happens and believe me, it happens very fast.  One day you are up to your elbows in picked produce with pounds of other vegetables waiting on the vine to be harvested.  The next day you are looking out over what the heat and lack of rain has wrought.  Spring has gone.  That ship has sailed.  It is summer and your plants are failing fast.

In years past we would fight the inevitable by watering more and pruning and hoping against hope that the plants will set more fruit.  That is called investment in loss.  Sure you might get a few more tomatoes or cucumbers, but they will be pale copies of earlier versions - blighted and bug shot.  Better to start over in the fall.

So, here we are near the close to the banner year of the tomato harvest.

Here is what I learned this year:

1. I learned that indeed, planting your tomatoes in pure compost does lead to high production.  Along with the compost I also added a big scoop of bone meal as outlined in Rodale's Organic Gardening book.  I will definitely be doing that again each time I plant tomatoes.

My little green friend...

2. As far as regrets, I can think of only one.  I never got to try out my 'put the assassin bug near the leaf footed stink bug nymphs' to see how it would work.  I was an organic gardening warrior this year and many pairs of adult leaf footers met their end under my feet.  I found only one hatching of the little red leaf foot nymphs and they were all congregated on a single tomato leaf.  Unluckily for them I had my gloves on.  Without a moments hesitation I crumpled up them and the leaf.  I won't say I didn't feel some remorse for having to end their lives, but at least it was quick.  Ah well, there is still time for my experiment.  I will hold back on my ninja like reflexes the next batch of babies I see and send in my hired assassin... bug that is.

Ah, a leaf footed stink bug family.  Dad, Mom and babies.  Looks like I broke up a lot of happy innocent family time.  But on closer inspection, maybe not so innocent at all.  I think Mom is wielding a knife!

3. I learned that the Creole tomato is indeed a great tomato for hot humid conditions and it wins the spring 2012 award for greatest production.  Corny Creole gets a special award for setting over 70 fruit and bringing almost all of them to ripeness.

4. The BN444 tomato is awesome in big beautiful fruit.  I will be looking for it again for sure.  It was my first venture with a determinate type and I have got to say I will be trying more of that style again.  With determinate, all the fruit sets about the same time so the harvest is not stretched out.  That is perfect for the spring around here since it gets so hot so fast.

5. The Top Gun tomato is still looking good.  It had fruit around the half pound size.  Beautiful fruit and quite productive.  Although the plant still looks good, it seems to have stopped growing, which makes it a determinate variety. 

6. The Big Boy tomato started off poorly.  It was suffering from something that I could not figure out.  It set a lot of fruit but they were dwarfed by the whatever.  Then it just rebounded and right now it has quite a bit of good looking fruit remaining an seems to be still setting.  This is great because I chose it due to how well it performed last year and this second wind has justified my choice.

7. Of cucumbers I learned that there is not a cucumber worthy of my affection other than the Burpless Hybrid.  Sure the pickle cucumber tasted great but I prefer the plant that is impervious to powdery mildew and produces tons of fruit.  I am pretty sure we will get a couple more cucumbers before the plants are completely gone.

8. What I learned about the beans is that I need to get them in a lot earlier and do second and third plantings a lot earlier as well.  The harvest was good and the second planting still looks great.  The problem is they don't seem to be able to set fruit in the heat.  Maybe there is a variety of bush bean that does better in hot humid climates.  I am sad to see this bean harvest end. 

9. The 3/4 circle tomato cages worked better than any other I have tried.  Although I could have tied them up better within the cages, the wire gave them plenty of support.  The open space allowed me to get to the plants and the fruit with ease. 

10. Sweet potatoes are the salve to the decimation the hot weather brings to the garden.  Those guys are perking along with very attractive vines and beautiful leaves.  I put them in as I removed the finished crops or where I knew things were going to be finished soon.  The sweet potato does not need anything from me.  It is the aloof cat of the garden plants. "Leave me alone," it says, "Come back in October and see what I have made for you."  Okay. 

So the spring of bounty is drawing to a close, but that does not mean an end to the garden harvest - oh no, no, no, no, weary sigh, no.  Now it is the passing of the torch.

Now it is time to dance with the fig and okra.

Dirt-y Secrets - A Compost Confession

I am going to talk dirt to you today.  And not just any dirt.  I am going to confess some seriously dirty secrets.  Yes, I am talking compost.  The holy grail of successful gardening - Compost.  For those uninitiated in the way of organic gardening, compost can be compared to the nuclear fuel cell in the reactor.  It is desired, hyped and practically worshiped by those in the know and remains a baffling mystery to the beginner or part-time gardener.

Sweet mystery of life - Compost

In general, dirt is nothing more than the broken down remains of mostly plant materials. The soil that we dig in began its life as the stuff that grows on top of it.  Compost is just a fresher form of dirt.  It is mostly broken down but is fluffy and light and potentially contains all sorts of nutrients that the old dirt has lost.  Compost is the new hire with fresh ideas and dirt is the experienced, but let's face it, stale, long term employee.

Gardeners by and large are very suspicious of dirt.  They wonder what it contains and they wonder what it is missing.  Some will send their dirt out to be analyzed by a lab so they will know exactly what ratio of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium their soil contains.  Many of the gardeners who do this have no idea what nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium do for their plants, but they, upon finding one of these levels lower than appropriate, will go out and buy a fertilizer with the 'right' numbers in order to fix the problem.

Gardeners who compost scoff at such antics.  They instead treat every kind of soil related problem with compost.  Not enough nitrogen?  Add more compost.  Low in potassium?  Add more compost.  Got a problem with powdery mildew?  Put some compost in a bucket, add water and let sit.  Drain the 'compost tea' out and apply it to your plants leaves.  Got a disease problem?  Needs some compost.  Has your garden caught fire because of extended drought like conditions and roving fire storms?  Throw some compost on it.  It will put it right out.

Actually, compost does solve a whole heaping bunch of problems that plague gardening.  It replenishes nutrients in poor soils.  It improves the tilth of hardened soils.  It protects plants from many different maladies and can be used as a mulch to help retain moisture.  Best of all, it is free, or nearly free if you discount the labor it takes to make it.

Fancy compost bins however are not free.

Because compost is such a wonderful thing, there are countless numbers of Composting Guides out there.  These guides will tell you how to find things to compost in your area, such as grass clippings from neighbors, manure from stables, feathers from poultry farms - the list of what you can compost is nearly endless.  The guides also go into excruciating detail about how you are supposed to layer all of this stuff so that your compost becomes hot.

Hotness in compost is the holy grail.  When the grass clippings and manure and feathers and stuff start to break down, heat is produced.  In fact the interior of a well built compost pile can climb upwards of 120 degrees, 150 if you get it just right.  All of this heat is excellent for killing undesirable seeds from weeds and also disinfect the soil from pathogens.  All of this heat also breaks down the pile so that the compost can be finished in a matter of weeks.  That is the gold standard.  Finished compost in a few weeks.

So, the Compost Guides go absolutely nuts about how to make a pile 'just so' in order to get to that finish line.  You would think there is some sort of race going on the way people brag about their decomposing piles of dirt.  Check any gardening forum or organic gardening magazine and there will be someone bragging that their compost pile is cooking at 150 and they have finished compost in just three weeks.

So, of course the novice composter will get the idea that anything less than the 150 degree/three weeks scenario is a failure.  They will try to follow the step by step guides to layering and getting adequate aeration along with turning schedules.  They may buy chipper shredders in order to cut the compost material into desirable, easy to decay size.  They may buy costly and complex compost containers that spin.  They may seek out grass clippings and manure as if they have some sort of weird fetish.  And much like someone who has some sort of fetish, they may even pee on the compost pile in order to increase its nitrogen content.  All of this so they too can have hot, quick compost.

The novice is also likely to give up in frustration when all their efforts fail to bring about a steaming pile or they may be reduced to an exhausted heap from their efforts of feeding the compost junkie.  It is all very sad and very unnecessary because the ultimate secret of composting is this.  Dirt happens.  Sooner or later, if it is organic, dirt happens.  It might take longer than one might think, but trust me.  Dirt happens.

You can also just buy finished compost.  They don't even card you or anything.

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The No Nonsense Approach to Composting 

- A realistic step by step guide

1. Find an area in your yard that is not easily seen.  This is important, because although composting produces near miraculous results in your garden, it is not very attractive.  The only people who find a compost pile attractive are other people who compost.  Everybody else just wonders why you have a big old pile of stuff sitting in your yard.  So, find a place where your pile will not be easily seen.  The best location will have your pile in a slightly shady area.

You can also buy a really fancy compost bin like this one and put it right out in the open.  Heck, this one is so pretty you could make it the center piece of your garden.

2. Place something solid at the back of your pile.  You might have your pile up against your fence, which will help it retain its shape, but it might eat your fence if it is wooden.  Some things that work well to back your compost pile are cinder blocks or maybe some old aluminum siding you took off a building that once stood in your yard.  Think five feet tall and impervious to damp soil.

Cement blocks work great.

3. Start gathering your stuff for the pile.  You want lots of fresh green stuff like grass clippings and pulled weeds.  You want a little bit of stuff that is older and not green like hay or maybe some leaves, not too much leaf stuff and avoid leaves that don't break down very easily, like oak leaves.  Small twigs and branches are okay and even some larger ones are fine because they will help to keep the pile aerated.  If you have access to manure or feathers, great, those will work as well.

Some bins help to aerate the compost with wire mesh.

4. Put your stuff together in a pile against your solid back wall.  Try not to have too much of any one thing.  Mix the stuff together as much as you can so that everything is jumbled together as evenly as possible.  Pile it all up in a heap about 4 feet tall at the peak.  If it is not this big then you will be wanting to find more stuff to add.  If it is taller than this that is okay, it will just go a little slower.

5. Water your pile of stuff until it is like a damp sponge - not too wet and not too dry.  Maybe stir it a little to make sure all the stuff is damp.

6. Go away.  Water it once a week or so if the weather is dry.  If you want to add more stuff to it then add it to the top of the pile.  If you want to add in kitchen waste then dig a hole in your pile and stuff it deep into the pile.  Do not freak out if you see bugs.  Bugs belong in a compost pile.  Their job is to help break down the stuff. 

7. This part is just for those who can physically handle it.  It will make the compost go faster, but if you can't do this part don't worry - remember, dirt happens.  If you can turn the compost pile, the dirt will happen faster.  To turn your pile you will want a space right next to where your compost currently resides.  The only tool you will really ever want to have for your compost pile is a compost fork.  This wide tined thing will help you move your unfinished compost around more easily.  Stick your compost fork into the top of the pile and move a scoop to a place next to the pile.  You will scoop by scoop be putting your pile back together again in this new place.  You can turn your pile as frequently as every week, but you can also turn it about once a month.

The compost fork - a gardener's friend.  Also called a manure fork before they wised up and realized they could get more people to buy a 'compost fork'.

8. Once a few weeks have gone by you will notice your pile is much smaller than when it began.  That is because dirt is happening.  This will happen whether you turn your compost pile or not, but if you don't turn it it will probably be more than a month before you see much of a size change.  Resist the urge to add more stuff to a pile that is already reducing substantially.  If you are turning your pile remove only the stuff that is in your way when you are turning it.  Some stuff takes longer to decompose.  Some stuff will never decompose but helps aerate the pile.

This tumbler style of compost bin does the turning for you.  Just spin the barrel.  Another thing it will spin is money out of your pocket to the tune of about $200.

9. If you are turning your compost you will notice there is more and more dirt every time you turn.  When most of the stuff has broken down you can begin to use the compost.  To do this you will want to sift out the unfinished stuff.  We made a great sifter box out of some small gauge hard cloth wire and a wooden box frame.  This allows us to put a fork full of finished compost into the sifter box and sift it out over a large plastic planter to collect the dirt.  The unfinished stuff goes back into a new pile.

This is the style of compost bin I fell in love with early in my compost career.  I wanted it sooo bad until I found out its price.  I can think of a whole lot of other things to do with $360.

10.  If you are not turning your compost then it will take months before you have some finished dirt.  Wait until your pile has reduced substantially from it beginning size.  Scrape off the top layer and there it is - your finished compost.  You will still need to sift this in some way, but you can also use it unsifted as a mulch on top of your garden beds.  Just remove the larger stuff and the various plastic debris that somehow always gets into your pile from who knows where.  When compost is not turned, you typically will have to wait for an entire season for it to finish. 

------------------------------------------ Tada!   You Have Compost! -----------------------------------------

Some things that are great for a compost pile:

1. Kitchen waste, such as vegetable peels and stems, vegetables and fruit that have 'gone too far' in the fridge or fruit bowl, peanut and nut shells, boiled or steamed vegetables.
2. Out dated vitamins and minerals - Just don't use oil based vitamins.
3. Seaweed, shells and sand from the beach - just rinse it first.
4. Hair - human or pet.
5. Dryer lint.

Here are our dogs doing their best to add pet hair to the compost.  In the background you can see some sand and shells.  The shark shaped chiminea can be used to burn branches and the ashes added to the compost.  It also just looks cool.

Some things that you want to AVOID adding to a compost pile:

1. Kitchen waste containing meat scraps, oils or extremely rotted foods.  If it smells bad it does not belong in the compost pile.
2. Lots of leaves.  Some leaves are okay, but others contain too much tannin and are hard to break down.  That being said, a separate pile can be made of only leaves and after about a year you can use this as mulch on the top of your garden beds.
3. Paper - think of this as just processed leaves.
4. Dog or cat waste - no, no, no - you don't want parasites!  Okay, I know that cow, horse and elephant manure are allowed, even chickens and bunny poop is allowed - but never anything from Fifi or Fido because their stuff can make you sick.
5. Sawdust - for the same reasons as tree leaves and paper, but also because treated lumber has chromated copper arsenate - and you don't want any part of that in your compost.

Another thing you don't want in your compost is too much dog.  Ours like to browse through like dumpster divers.  We keep them out unless we are there to monitor their antics.

So, composting is no big deal and it is also a big deal.  You can just throw together a pile of stuff and come back in a year or you can measure and tinker and water and turn and get something faster.  Composting can be practically free or you can spend some serious money on getting fancy compost bins.  But by all means, compost.  If you love pretty flowers, compost.  If you like fresh vegetables, compost.  If you just want a way to give back to the earth - literally making earth, then compost.

The compost area several years ago.

Our compost area has changed over the years although it has remained in basically the same section of our yard.  As our garden has changed so its shape has changed and our comfort and proficiency with it has increased.  There have been times when we just let a pile sit for months, but now my husband gets a good workout turning the pile each month.  We feed it kitchen waste, pulled weeds, finished vegetable plants, worn out hay we used for mulch, grass clippings and various yard trimmings.  We also give it any expired vitamins we come across.

It gives us about 4 or more large plastic garden pots you see in the above photo every time we sift it which is about two or three times per year.  Without compost I could not be an organic gardener.  Without compost I am sure I would not have been able to have five tomato plants produce over 55 pounds of tomatoes in one month.  I love compost.

I also love other people's compost piles and bins.  Here is my friend's lovely arrangement:

Happy Composting.

Gardener 7 : Stink bugs 0

Well, I have something to admit.  I have been seriously disrupting the sex lives of the leaf footed stink bugs that have been visiting my tomato plants.  And by disrupting I mean knocking the sex crazed pair into a bucket and then stomping on them until they are ex-stink bugs.

So far I have dispatched three 'couples' and a single female looking for a hookup.  Usually I feel a sense of remorse when I have to end the life of anything, including weeds as well as garden pests.  With these guys I get so weirded out about the whole 'bugs that stink' aspect of the thing that I am dancing around like a wimp and making furtive sissy girl slaps.  Apparently getting weirded out kills the whole remorse thing for me in this case.

So far no baby bugs but I am keeping my eyes peeled for their eventual entrance onto the scene.

Now here is something that I think is interesting and want to expound upon.  We have these milkweed assassin bugs all over our garden.  They are great at taking care of a number of insect pests and I am always overjoyed to see them in my garden.

Milkweed Assassin bug

This year we had them in droves except I never see them on the tomato plants.  I see them on plants in the same bed as the tomato plants, but never on the tomatoes themselves.  I have considered transporting a few of the adult assassin bugs onto the tomato plants in the hopes of getting them to attack the baby stinkbugs.  However, I don't think that will be successful due to the following reason.

This is what an assassin bug nymph looks like:

This is what a leaf footed stink bug nymph looks like:

See the resemblance?  They both have red bodies and black legs.  I think the assassin bugs ignore these baby stink bugs because they look too much like their own kids.  Of course that would only explain why they don't go after the stink bug nymphs, not why they seem to avoid the tomatoes entirely.  It also may be that assassin bugs eat their own nymphs like candy.  I don't know.

As soon as I see any stink bug nymphs I am going to try my experiment and see if the assassin bug will take care of the problem for me.  I will let you know how it turns out.

The Harvest Continues...

I think I am beginning to experience cornucopia fatigue.  The garden continues to produce at an extraordinary rate.  Now I feel I must qualify that statement a little in regards to 'extraordinary'.  I am not a novice to gardening by any means (the whole collection of my previous garden rants can be found here: Gardening Deja Vu, The Garden Never Sleeps, Garden Photos - part 1, Garden Awards Spring 2011,  Weeds - part 1, Garden Photos - Part 2, Gardening A,B,C, I am RAIN, Evil Tomato, Figs!, The Garden Marches On, Okra Odyssey, Garden Equity, Garden Check In and Garden Harvest - the haul so far). Some years you have great harvests and some years no matter how much work you have done or time invested - you get nothing. 

Forget Mother Nature.  Sometimes you get Father Wonka.

This year I am discovering the unrelenting agony of success.  Sure every year the garden needs me like a two day old abandoned kitten but this year I have the added guilt stab of the harvest.  If I don't get out there and pick those beans or tomatoes or cucumbers they are not going to pick themselves.  Oh no!  That luscious organic produce is going to go over-prime on the vine and blah, blah, blah... starving children overseas!  Or something like that plays out in my mind.

Okay, okay, so I go out and pick it all.  Just where does one store 68 tomatoes that are currently hanging out on my kitchen counter finishing the ripening process  (Let me tell you the myth of 'vine ripened' tomatoes - you might as well just call them bird pecked tomatoes and toss them right into the compost pile...).  There is only so much room in the fridge where I can store the five gallon-sized bags filled with cucumbers.  And the beans... well, okay, those are pretty small, but still - two pounds of beans is a lot to have hanging out waiting to be cooked and eaten.

We are overrun and by now even our friends and family are getting a little gun shy about me approaching them with plastic bags.  "More cucumbers?" they say, looking for the nearest escape. Yes.

So, let me reveal the garden productivity for this last week from 5/23/12 to 5/30/12:

Cucumbers

Total weeks harvest = 20 pounds

Although the pickle plant is suffering from mildew, it is still producing some great tasting offerings and the burpless hybrid are doing what they always do.  They are completely impervious to any plant disease and rocking the garden with constant productivity.  The only thing that will stop them is the upcoming unrelenting heat which will bake the flowers to dust before they can set fruit.  Until then it is a cucumber world.

Bush Beans

Total weeks harvest = 3 pounds

The first planting of about a dozen plants is showing signs of old age, but still setting beans.  The second planting has been doing great, but even it is having a little trouble with the heat.  I don't recall just when they give up, but I don't think it will be that much longer that they can hold out.  I estimate that by July we will see the last of the beans.

Peppers

Total weeks harvest = 1/2 pound - which is deceptive since they don't weigh very much.  About a dozen peppers in all.

The pepper plants continue with a modest offering.  Many of the fruit now don't get very large before they start to show the red rosy signs of maturity.  Since I have several varieties, some might continue to set fruit in the heat, but others won't.  The plants will typically survive the summer and might produce again in the fall.

Okra

Total weeks harvest = 1.25 pounds

Finally!  The okra plants have now grown past the 'dog' stage and I am getting to harvest most of the pods.  I know I stated that whatever happened to the okra this year I was going to blame on 'dog', but truer words have never been spoken.  The canine duo are still circling the plants like sharks, hoping for a low hanging pod.  Now when I am out there harvesting they hunker at my feet as if begging from the kitchen table for scraps. I don't relent because this 'okra predation' is the type of behavior I would like to extinct in my hounds.

Tomatoes

Total weeks harvest = 25 pounds

Well.  This continues to be a pinnacle year for the tomato harvest.  I definitely did something right with these guys this year because all of our productivity has been taken from five plants.

The two Creole tomatoes definitely are winning on numbers with one of them having set over 70 fruit and the other over 30.  Many of these fruit are in the half pound range.

BN444 - "Bunny" is the winner in HUGE fruit.

Many of Bunny's fruit are in the one pound range and they are beautiful.  Too bad Bunny is determinate and after all this fruit is gone she will be done for the year.

Here are eight of Bunny's fruit together weighing in at 5 1/2 pounds.

Top Gun is awesome and has quietly produced mostly half pound fruit that are the prettiest unblemished fruit I have ever seen.  The plant itself looks awesome and may go on to produce another crop.  It did not say on the tag whether this was determinate or indeterminate, so we shall see.

Big Boy has had a come from behind recovery from whatever befell it earlier this spring.  It has produced some moderate to small sized fruit.  Quite a lot actually, but the fruit are sort of ugly looking with tops that won't turn red and look a little wrinkly.  I think this is from the ?whatever? sickness it suffered from since I have grown this type before without this kind of issue.  Now though it is definitely setting new fruit and its new growth is out of this world healthy.  It may finish with a big bang of a harvest and be the longest producer of them all this year.

The month of May totals

Cucumbers = 40.5 pounds
Beans = 9.25 pounds
Basil = 2 pounds
Okra = 1.75 pounds
Pepper = 3.5 pounds
Butternut squash = 8.75 pounds
Tomatoes = 53 pounds!

Some people when I tell them about my garden harvest ask me "How many acres?"  There is not even one acre.  The entire area of our garden takes up just a small part of our back yard.  We have ten 3x6 foot beds along the fence on one side of our yard, a 3x9 foot and 3x12 foot bed in another area and a 3x6 and a couple of 3x3 foot beds in another area.  You don't have to have 'land' in order to have an over-abundance of produce.  What you need is good dirt and that you make yourself through composting.  Coming up I will share our secret of making great soil.  Stay tuned.

Short Legs

A Westie's legs are very short.  So short in fact the Westie breed is one of the 'little people' of the dog world.  His body is average sized; he has a big head and impressive jaws; he is in all ways a mid sized dog except for one.  A Westie's legs are very short.  

Short legs are good.  Being low to the ground gives good balance and traction.  Having a regular sized body on short legs aids in making hairpin turns.  The Westie's short legs are thick and sturdy and great for driving his powerful front claws.  Short legs allows a Westie to 'go to ground' and get into holes and burrows where varmints live.  Short legs are good.

A Border Collie's legs are very long.  So long in fact the Border Collie is one of the 'gazelles' of the dog world.  Her body is long and light and might have some Suluki ancestry which makes her fast.  Oh she is so fast.  A Border Collie's legs are very long.

Long legs are good.  Having long legs allows you to make long strides which takes up a lot of ground with each step and leap over things in your path.  Long legs and a long body allow a Border Collie to make tight hairpin turns.  A Border Collie's long legs are strong and springy and allow her to fly.  Long legs are good.

I never really thought that much about legs.  I certainly did not spend a lot of time pondering my dog's legs.  Sure the Westie had short legs, but he was totally okay with that and very agile.  He might not have been the fastest dog running in a straight line, but he could turn on a dime, a fact that used to cause our Mini Schnauzer all sorts of frustration.

Dogs like to chase things and they also like to be chased.  Unlike a human children's game, the one who is 'it' is not the one who is chasing.  The 'it' is the one being chased.  If you catch me then you can be 'it' otherwise - I get to stay 'it'.  Oh, how the dogs really, really want to be 'it'.

For the Schnauzer and the Westie the match was fairly even.  The Schnauzer was faster on the open straight path, but the Westie was able to make incredible hairpin turns, leaving the Schnauzer yipping in frustration as he shot past the turn the Westie performed.

Zoom ahead a few years and now the game is between the Westie and the Border Collie.  The Border Collie has steadily been losing the 'it' position since as a puppy she could not outrun the Westie.  He was able to outdistance her and make his famous turns to outsmart her.  What he didn't count on was that she was not always going to be a little girl.

Suddenly it seemed that everything came together for the Border Collie.  Not only could she run fast, but she had learned from the master and could make these incredible hairpin turns.  She got to stay 'it' more and more.  Since he was not able to catch her very often anymore, the Westie stopped trying very hard.  He would run for a few steps and then just give up.  He didn't seem to be upset about it, but he wasn't going to waste his time.  She could stay 'it' for all he cared.

It turns out the 'it' game is not very fun unless someone will chase you.  She would circle back after he stopped chasing her and initiate a wrestling match.  How dare he not chase her!  Then she decided she was not going to be 'it'.  The Westie was 'it' and he needed to run from her.

The Westie did not want to run and he certainly did not want to run with her chasing him.  She could catch him easily now and he did not want to admit she was better than him.  He decided to win by not playing the game.  This did not please the Border Collie, so she decided to force the issue.

We were in the garden together and the Border Collie began to run full out around the yard.  Every time she passed close to the Westie she paused to snap and wrestle with him.  This annoyed him and he began to move from the outer edge of the garden area to a center area near a large fig tree.  As the Border Collie made her circuit this time she did not pause.

This time she took aim at his long side and ran hard into him, leaping only after she had made contact.

This blast did not just knock the Westie over, it rolled him over several times and he ended up smacking into the trunk of the fig tree.

The Ufff he made sounded painful and he struggled to get back to his feet.  Since I had witnessed this heartless attack I was shouting at the Border Collie and making my way toward the Westie to see if he was okay.  He was shaken and snorting and angry, but also scared.  The Border Collie was not stopping her mad run and was zooming from one end of the yard to the other, faster and faster, oblivious to my yells.

I straddled the Westie because the Border Collie was making another pass and I could tell she was aiming right for him again.  She had a gleeful look in her eyes as she came near.  I crouched down to further shield the Westie with my arms and as she came close I swatted out at her to drive her off.

Just as I swept my arms out toward the Border Collie, the Westie decided to take matters into his own hands, or jaws as it was.  He surged forward toward the Border Collie just as I swatted at her and my arm ended up in his mouth. He bit down hard.

I screamed and he let go immediately.  I sat down and he jumped into my lap trying to console me.  He was absolutely horrified that he had bitten me and was looking deep into my eyes trying to apologize.  Of course I told him it was okay and he was a good boy.  I picked him up and carried him inside, leaving the now tired and panting Border Collie outside.

Once the Border Collie discovered this new way of 'playing' with her pal, she wanted to do it again and again.  We intervened when we were outside and chastised her for this action, but we couldn't be there all the time and she learned to do this when we were not there to put a stop to it.  But eventually these bashings did stop.  We were worried, but it turns out we didn't need to be.  The Westie had a plan.

The Border Collie is running and barking at the edges of the yard but then she pauses.  The Westie looks up and I look up and it starts.  The Border Collie begins to run full out.  As she starts to zoom down the path way the Westie starts to run toward the patio.  He knows that depending on where he is when she starts the chase he may need to change course several times.

He must not be in the open when she comes close.  He must not be broadside to her nor can his back be turned to her.  He is in the middle of the garden when she starts and he runs to the orange trees and places his back to them.  She zooms close on her first pass and he turns and makes a fake lunge toward her as if he will chase her.  He must make it look good so she will make a full circuit away instead of circling back too soon.  The distance from the orange tree to the patio is long and completely open.  Once he commits to it he will have no cover.

He snaps and starts to chase her which delights her and she takes off the opposite direction.  Seeing this he makes a hairpin turn and uses his momentum to launch himself toward the patio.  He is running full out but his short legs don't cover much ground.  She is at the back of the yard and turns, seeing him in the open.  She streaks across the yard and leaps over a garden bed to gain ground.  She is running full out.  She is not just running toward him, she is running at him.  She will hit him if she can.

He is running harder now, sensing her approach.  He must make it.  He is almost there. 
He. Is. Almost. There.

At the last moment he darts under one of the patio chairs.  He fits under its seat perfectly and does not even have to duck.  Safe at last.  She on the other hand has to put on the brakes.  She cannot fit under the chair unless she gets down on her belly.  He has won; he is still 'it'. 

 According to the Westie's rule of life, if you cannot change something then you should learn to cope with it.

George by Hilaire Belloc

When I was in junior high our teacher assigned us the task of memorizing a poem which we were to repeat to the class.  On a scale of one to stark raving terror, this assignment had me sweating with intense dread.  Not only was there the looming death of public speaking but it was combined with the potential humiliation of forgetting ones lines plus the further potential of shame if one managed to pick the wrong poem. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if we had been asked to compose the poem.  Thankfully, that little extra slice of dread was not thrust upon us and we were allowed to select any poem we liked.

Junior high school is a training ground for the intense dog eat dog world that would eventually greet us all when we entered the corporate world.  There were factions and clicks and partnerships that had been developed over the process of years as many of these children had gone to school together since kindergarten.  I, however, was a newcomer from over 200 miles away and since I was in one of the most intensely awkward periods of my life I did not fit in very well.  So, I was very concerned with choosing a poetry topic that would cause the least amount of embarrassment and ill will from my classmates.

Considering that we were all teenagers between 13 and 15 years old, anything even slightly romantic was certain to be fodder for all sorts of embarrassment.  The same went for anything remotely meaningful or overly florid in descriptions.  This seemed to leave historical poetry along the lines of Sacajawea or something about the American Revolution.  Now I had already in an earlier grade memorized "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - all 13 stanzas which I had repeated perfectly to my step-father on the night before my school assignment.  He offered to pay me a dime for every line that I got right which was probably before he saw that there was 130 lines.  So I headed to school the next day, $13 richer and felt ready to wow them with my poem.

When it was my turn, I got up and began "Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.  On the eighteenth of April in seventy five, hardly a man is now alive who remembers that famous day and year" (that part sticks with me to this very day, but the other lines are gone from my memory).  I went on from there, and on, and on and as my fellow students became glazed eyed and sagging in their seats from my monotonous but purely accurate rendition.  Around line 90, the teacher seized upon a momentary pause as I drew in breath and said "Well, that is wonderful!" in a bright and too chipper voice, "Who knew one could memorize such a long poem."  I offered to continue, but she told me I had done enough.  "A +, A +," she said and urged me back to my seat.

It was this successful, even though slightly embarrassing event that was on my mind as I sought the perfect poem.  Nothing too long I reminded myself as I looked for something I could memorize.  A somewhat friendly girl who lived near me had already picked her poem and I mentioned to her I had not found one yet.  She offered me a poem that her sister had used a few years earlier in another class.  I read the poem and thought it was funny.  Humor! Yes, that would be the ticket to avoid ridicule.  Get them laughing and who knows, they might even like you.  Or at least not dislike you as much.  I was after all, realistic about my social standings.

I practiced this poem over and over again, trying to add animation and emotion to each line.  This would be my debut into being less disliked and being thought of as funny.  Oh yes, they were going to at least think of me as funny.  With this aim in mind I tried different voices for the poem and settled on what I thought was a slightly British accent.

The day came and I was on pins and needles, ready to do my poem, but I was one of the last ones to present as luck would have it.   My other classmates had picked many worthy poems and one even took the lyrics from a John Denver song.  The teacher was lavish with praise for their efforts.  Regarding the John Denver lyrics I think she became a little teary eyed.  I noticed that none of the other poems had a humorous style, so I felt that mine would be well received for its unique quality.  Finally it was my time to present.  I was very nervous, but also excited.

This is the poem I recited from memory for my teacher and class:

George

When Georgie's Grandmama was told
that George had been as good as gold,
she promised in the afternoon
to buy him an immense balloon.

And so she did, but when it came
it got into the candle flame
and being of a dangerous sort
exploded with a loud rapport.

The lights went out, the windows broke,
the room was filled with reeking smoke,
and in the darkness shrieks and yells
were mingled with electric bells
and falling masonry and groans
and crunching as of broken bones
and dreadful shrieks, when worst of all,
the house itself began to fall,
it tottered wavering to and fro
then crashed into the street below,
which happened to be Saville Row.

When help arrived among the dead
were cousin Larry and little Fred,
the footmen, both of them, the groom,
the man who cleaned the billiard room,
the chaplain and the bar room maid,
and I am dreadfully afraid that
Monsieur Champanion the chef
will now be permanently deaf,
and both his aides are much the same.

While George, who was in part to blame,
received you will regret to hear,
a nasty bump behind his ear.

The moral is that little boys
should not be given dangerous toys.

I was smiling throughout the rendition and doing my best to add life to the lines, even though my nervousness was robbing me of some of the heights of brilliance I had achieved in my practice.  Still, all in all, I felt I was doing a good job - I even remembered to touch my index finger to behind my ear when reciting the line about the nasty bump.  I figured my classmates and my teacher were barely containing their laughter.

When I finished there was complete and total silence.  This went on as I looked expectantly at the teacher.  She had her hand on her throat and a rather strange look on her face.  Finally she spoke.  "Well, that just goes to show that some poems just talk about nonsense."  The class did respond with laughter to this and several of my classmates gave me knowing smirks.  Great. Not only did I fail to achieve a humorous response, now I was going to be thought of as the 'nonsense girl'.  She gave me a B.  When I got the sheet back we turned in with our poems she had scrawled along with the B, "You need to take life a little more seriously."

I chose not to take her advice.  Since my classmates now thought of me as the 'nonsense girl', I knew that any hope of them accepting me as an equal was a complete waste of time.  Actually this little scenario brought home to me a basic truth that sustained me all the way through junior high and high school.  I was not going to be popular, they were not going to understand me and I was not like them so it was pointless to try and fit in.  Thus I began my first forays into what I consider my standup comedy routine, the junior high years.  Sometimes this involved saying inane things and sometimes it involved slapstick humor, but I learned what every jester knows - if they are going to be laughing at you anyway then why not give them something to laugh about. 

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P.S. The poem as written here is recited from my memory, so there are a couple of errors.  In all my years since memorizing that poem I never recalled knowing who was the author.  Thanks to the wonder of the internet I now know it was Hilaire Belloc.  He was a very prolific writer in the early twentieth century and known best for his cautionary verse which aside from 'George' also included 'Jim, who ran away from his nurse, and was eaten by a lion' and 'Matilda, who told lies and was burnt to death', so considering this, I think my class got off easy.

As for his life, this little passage from Wikipedia caught my eye:

"He was powerfully built, with great stamina, and walked extensively in Britain and Europe. While courting his future wife Elodie, whom he first met in 1890, the impecunious Belloc walked a good part of the way from the midwest of the United States to her home in northern California, paying for lodging at remote farm houses and ranches by sketching the owners and reciting poetry."

So dear junior high teacher, whose name I have happily forgotten - I think Mr. Hilaire Belloc took life plenty seriously but he could find the humor in it.

Garden Scally-wags

The dreaded day has come.  I have spotted my first of the nemesis that befalls my poor garden each year.  The dreaded leaf-footed stink bug has made its first appearance on one of my tomato plants.

She was just sitting there, not obviously assaulting a tomato, but I know, oh yes indeed I know.  Just like I know that this was a 'she' and not a 'he'.  There be eggs laid by that there bug and soon, much sooner than I like to think I will be seeing this:

Baby leaf-footed stink bugs who will mount a viscous assault on my poor dear tomatoes.  Woe is me.  And worse yet, not matter how valiantly I fight they will in the end win because between them, the mosquitoes and the unrelenting heat and humidity that is summer here - I will simply give up.

But not today!

"Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"

So with Aragorn's monologue ringing in my brain I met this harbinger of doom.  Although  I was bare handed (and they don't call them stink bugs for nothing) I did what I had to do.  I gave that rascal a mighty thump with my index finger.  It was nearly twilight so I did not see if my blow had been a lethal one but fall she did that nasty pest.

Victory, however short lived is sweet.