I have mentioned before my tendency as a child to spend much of my waking hours in a daydream. What I did not mention was that I did not as a child spend much time sleeping. This was in no way due to any negligence on the part of my parents. My sister and I had a strictly enforced bed time which was always far earlier that we really wanted it. It was bedtime by 8pm on school nights and pretty much other nights as well. They also did not allow me much access to caffeinated drinks and did their best to control my sugar intake.
The problem was that I could not fall asleep. When I was very young, my mother would put me to bed, we would say prayers, she would turn on the nightlight and tell me goodnight as she left. Then I would just lay there awake in my dark, except for the nightlight, room. For hours. I was always very quiet. I knew I was supposed to be quiet and I also knew I was supposed to stay in bed, but as the hours stretched on and I would get very bored and scared I would often reach down to the floor of my room and try to snag a toy to keep me company.
I knew I was supposed to be sleeping, but I did not know that what I was going through was different from anyone else. When you have no reference point to anything else there is no way to perceive how unusual your personal experience is. I would eventually fall asleep. Based on my experiences later in life when things like clocks were available to me, I probably would usually fall asleep between midnight and two am or later after being put to bed at eight o'clock. When I did sleep, my sleep was filled with very vivid dreams which were interrupted when my mother woke me up bright and early in the morning. I always slept some because I can never remember a night when I was awake the entire time.
There were definitely symptoms of my dilemma such as being very groggy in the morning because I had received much less sleep than I needed. During the day I would be inattentive and prone to daydreams, which might have been a light sleep phase brought on by my chronic insomnia. I was very skinny and prone to getting sick, which may also have been symptoms of sleep deprivation. None of this was noticed by my parents because they had no idea I was sleeping so little.
They were not oblivious though. My mother would sometimes comment on how tired I seemed when she woke me up in the mornings and her solution was to send me to bed earlier in the evenings. This did not help because all it meant was that I had even longer to wait in the dark before the elusive sleep would fall upon me. I give her a lot of credit for not giving me some sort of stimulant in the mornings. She and my father had coffee and I fiended for it but was only allowed 'coffee milk' which was a tablespoon of coffee and some sugar in a glass of milk. This and all other caffeinated drinks were forbidden before noon time to us kids.
When you are very young and awake at night then night itself can be very intimidating. I became unglued if my night-light was not on. The night-light itself was not as much comfort as I wanted because it gave the room very vivid shadows, but my mother would not allow me to keep the overhead light on like I wanted. Aside from the night-light I also went to bed surrounded by my stuffed animals, a sort of phalanx of defense against what the night held. Strangely enough I never sought out my parents when I was afraid. I think they made it very clear to me that they did not want me out of bed once I was supposed to be in it and I scrupulously obeyed that rule. I can remember just one time that I did not.
It was late summer and hot. As the night wore on the air conditioner finally cooled the house enough to shut off. The sound of the air conditioner was a reassuring noise because with out it I could hear all sorts of insect and creature of the night sounds. The sound of the AC motor seemed to lull me and I would fall asleep sooner on the nights it was running. However, as soon as it shut off I would wake up. On this one occasion I decided to turn the AC back on. This meant I had to sneak out of my bed and down the hallway that opened up onto my sister and my parents rooms. I was about five years old and just barely tall enough to reach the controls anyway, but I was determined to get that soothing motor sound back again. I decided that the best way for me to accomplish my mission was to crawl along the edge of the hall to the AC controls which were right across from my parents doorway. I had just gotten out of my door and started to inchworm my way across the floor when my father called out from their darkened bedroom, "Get back in bed." I turned around on my belly and inchwormed my way back into my bed.
Awake and alone in the dark except for my stuffed army I had quite a bit of time to develop all sorts of fears. I imagined the nighttime shadows filled with pirates and angry Indians. I imagined these villains coming at me with their swords and hooked hands or shooting me with their arrows. I once imagined a ghost sitting on the edge of my bed and so strong was my imagination it seemed like the edge of my mattress dipped down. I imagined vampires or the devil would bite me if I left my shoulders uncovered by the blankets. Pictures on my walls would not stay still and writhed in the dark. These were not nightmares, but rather nighttime daydreams that were totally under my conscious control and therefore rather creative as well as sinister. It was all very exhausting but for some reason I was unable to fall asleep.
Yet, when I finally did fall asleep, sleep was heavenly. My daydreams which might be filled with all sorts of anxiety and fear provoking images were banished by my actual dreams which were always happy, adventuresome and full of fun. I hated waking up from them they were such a joy to me. I can remember only a few times that I had what might be referred to as a nightmare and each time involved me falling from the mast of a tall ship into the water below.
I had this dream several times and in the first part of it I would be a sailor on a large wooden ship. I would climb high up into the mast toward the crows nest and in this perch I could see for miles and miles across the ocean. Then the ship would begin to rock and I high up in the rigging would begin to sway back and forth until the momentum swung me off of the mast where I would fall into the ocean below. Each time as I would fall into the water I would look up at the deck of the ship above me and see someone at the rail looking at me. I woke up exactly at this point every time.
Another memorable dream that I had several times was that I could fly. Each time my flying ability would begin while I was in my room. I would flap my arms and this would cause me to float to the ceiling. I would call out to my mother so she could see my new ability and she would call back from her room. I would be so excited to show her my skill that I would flap my way out of my room and down the hallway to her room. She would always be in her bathroom with the door closed and I would excitedly call for her to come look. As she would begin to open the door my powers of flight would start to fade and I would flap harder but to no avail. Just as the bathroom door would open so that she could see me my powers would vanish and I would be standing on the floor. I woke up exactly at this point every time.
They say our dreams mean something and some people devote themselves to the study of them. Perhaps these repeated dreams did have a deeper meaning, but to me, as a child they were refreshing and welcome. I really reveled in my dreams which made it more exasperating that sleep was so elusive to me. My dreams were always so interesting, full of color and sounds and smells. Perhaps it was because sleep was so scarce that I relished it so much. I wanted to sleep, to sleep and perchance to dream...
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P.S. My insomnia continued night after night and year after year. I never once talked to my parents about it. I never even mentioned it. I talked to them about being afraid of the dark but I never said anything about being awake for hours or having such horrible nighttime daydreams. This might seem strange and it does seem strange to me now, but only because I now have a perspective to know how unusual it all was. Before you start feeling too sorry for me, you should know that I did eventually overcome my insomnia but that was much, much later and a different story entirely.
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